After burying my own brother, I have seen the world in a different light. I spent some time in jail, and I spent some time living in pain, The pain that you are thinking of is a mental pain that would drive a man to kill himself. Everyday I have to live this pain. I have to live with the fact that I hurt many people and I hurt myself, I even thought a gunshot or a few would make me a real man. I am partially crippled due to my foolish decisions.
I was once in Los Angeles, on the block with helicopters 50 feet off the ground searching at night for drive-by suspects. Holding a cup filled with thunderbird wine, a wine so strong we called it "gangsta juice". I would have that big joint in my left hand with my eyes bloodshot scanning back and forth looking for enemies, and the police who would run up on us. packing a loaded gun at age 10 to standing in front of a burnt out liquor store with my homies. You know I thought that was the world and the people who was really down for me.
Every gangster story is unique because it's coming from a unique person, just like we all got unique fingerprints. The nightmare that I live everyday is from my past. I'm scarred mentally. You know I am sitting here writing about the pain I feel but how did I get this way? Why is it this way I used to carry dope for my big homies, and do anything they ask to earn what I thought was respect. Who is respecting me? Everybody? Hell no. Just from my close circle of friends who were down to kill for me? No. You know they straight turn on me snitch. I trusted them and got stabbed in the back. I was down for years and lived right here in South Central LA. Things ain't the way they used to be. Everybody is out for themselves. It's always been that way though.
I just remember the bodies dropping, the cries of screaming mothers, screaming to God and I can't even say it. You know I heard this song "Theres a dead man walking in the hood". There is a dead man walking in every hood. It's not right to blame anybody for the problems we have created for ourselves. My brother who I loved was murdered. It wasn't my fault and I can't really be mad at the world. Sometimes I thought taking a gun to my head was the only way to get out of this world of misery. I have a lot of questions that I can't answer or get answered. People treat me like I am a threat often. It's like they can see in my eyes the pain, the misery, the evil deeds I done. It hurts everyday that I have to carry an old soul. I've lived a lifetime over and over.
The gang is a group and can a gang can't be stopped. People don't understand that gang members are tight knit groups of friends. When we live in surroundings of hopelessness then we turn to violence to get respect. Does the working man in the business suit going to respect us? No. They look at us as if we are stupid thugs who are not smart enough to know any better. But you know, we choose to live this gang life and we do know it. That's where hopelessness comes in. The greatest human desire to be appreciated, to be looked at as if we were great. To be loved. The greatest desire isn't money. It's bigger then that. I have seen countless dead bodies, people brains blown out on the streets of Los Angeles. A war zone.
The police ride around in armored vehicles raiding houses, flying helicopters, and harassing innocent people. We are the people who just want to work, we just want to live. And I am telling everybody right now that Peace can be real, but force is necessary to get it. We can't let the LAPD continue to step on us. And let me tell you that in no way am I trying to encourage violence. I am only saying that regardless of the gang, there are bad peoples out there. There are some straight killers that will kill and not care. Sociopaths. I know some. I had one homie who would murder people every week. Mostly people of his own racial makeup, black. He was murder kids, parents, and other gang members of rival sets. See the nightmare I have to live? Pieces of shit like this who I was friends with?
Because like I said there are bad people out there. Don't think twice about that. I acknowledge that I have and feel bad about the pain I inflicted on others. The point of these writings is the madness I have to live with, the pain I am in everyday. It develops over the years. I banged for 12 years and I am so scarred mentally I can't even think straight. Read this and I want you to say to yourself "damn, I don't want to end up like this guy". I still try to pull through everyday and have faith in God. But changing is not as easy as it seems. It is a process. I never really had anybody there for me except my family. I was lonely when I had to quit my criminal career. Who else can I fit in with? I banged since I was 11 years old.
I had to catch up with the real world. I see even in the real world everybody bangs, they bang to get that job, they bang to get that new car, that lady friend. Little would we know we bang on other daily, aside from being in a real gang. I called my homie the other day, he's been in his house with a bracelet that beeps whenever he leaves his front yard. It's called house arrest. Imagine that shit. Once it was on my ankle. I am tired and don't want anybody to live my personal pain.
Have hope, have big dreams, think to yourself that you can be somebody and not end up a deadbeat, not end up a mental cripple.
This is no game, this is foreal. Don't hurt anybody to get to the top. The traditional business technique. I want people to start loving one another, care about your peoples. I want you to help a disadvantaged person. It will make you feel better to give back rather then take like the gang members mentality is based on, taking and not giving back. These words are real and come from my heart.
O.G. RK
When you start trying to act "cool", thinking you need to experience this to "be a man",...
"I have to live with the fact that I hurt many people and I hurt myself, I even thought a gunshot or a few would make me a real man. I am partially crippled due to my foolish decisions."
...or do that to "get respect",...
"Why is it this way I used to carry dope for my big homies, and do anything they ask to earn what I thought was respect. Who is respecting me? Everybody? Hell no. Just from my close circle of friends who were down to kill for me? No. You know they straight turn on me snitch. I trusted them and got stabbed in the back. I was down for years and lived right here in South Central LA. Things ain't the way they used to be. Everybody is out for themselves. It's always been that way though."
...you never know where it's going to end.
Maybe you just dress like a banger and hang out, thinking people won't mess with you because they think you're a banger. Maybe you think that since you're not really a banger, you won't get in the trouble. Think again. Even something like that can lead to some gangmembers seeing you, thinking you're from a rival set, and taking a shot.
"And I am telling everybody right now that Peace can be real, but force is necessary to get it. [...] There are some straight killers that will kill and not care. Sociopaths. I know some. I had one homie who would murder people every week. Mostly people of his own racial makeup, black. He was murder kids, parents, and other gang members of rival sets. See the nightmare I have to live? Pieces of shit like this who I was friends with?"
In my opinion, and I think this is what RK is trying to say here, it is because of killers like this guy he describes that the threat of force, from law enforcement (LE) for example, is necessary to intimidate and deter them. In that same paragraph, though, he hints at problems in relations between LE and the civilian community, problems that need to be addressed:
"The police ride around in armored vehicles raiding houses, flying helicopters, and harassing innocent people. We are the people who just want to work, we just want to live. [...] We can't let the LAPD continue to step on us."
"Ganglyfe" is really gangdeath. It's hell-on-earth, homes:
"Sometimes I thought taking a gun to my head was the only way to get out of this world of misery."
Jesus is the way out this world of misery. The nightmare ends when you wake up and come to Jesus.
"This is no game, this is foreal. Don't hurt anybody to get to the top. The traditional business technique. I want people to start loving one another, care about your peoples. I want you to help a disadvantaged person. It will make you feel better to give back rather then take like the gang members mentality is based on, taking and not giving back. These words are real and come from my heart.
O.G. RK"
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