Acquaintance Rape

So, here's the scene:

A girl in high school meets a guy. She "really cares" about him. He wants to have sex with her, but she says no because she's not ready. She "tried keepin [her] clothes on" but finally gave in because she didn't think she'd win. After they have sex, she reports that he started treating her really badly. Specifically, he threatens to beat up her ex-boyfriend and tell her parents what happened if she leaves him. So, she stays and whenever they are alone, he always gets his way and has sex with her, even though she doesn't want to.

He blames her, telling her that it is her fault because she drives him crazy by wanting to leave him, and that he needs her. So, after a little arguing, he always gets to have sex with her. Some of her friends tell her it's date rape, some say it isn't because she put herself in a bad situation. Meanwhile, she would leave, except that she's afraid for her ex-boyfriend, and she's worried about his threats to have friends from his gang go after her.

"im still confused to whether or not if i went through date rape or not bc he had done it to me more than once."

Just because he is committing the crime more than once, that certainly doesn't mean it's not a crime. In my humble opinion, this is fairly classic.

First, even if she had done it with him willingly many times -- not the situation here -- the first time he has sex with her against her will after she has said "no" it is a rape. It used to be that a defense against rape in the US was that the two people involved were married. That is no longer the case in America. If a husband forces his wife to have sex against her will, that is illegal. That is why many jurisdictions have gotten away from the crime of "rape" and now address "sexual assault" -- it is more inclusive of a broader range of criminal conduct.

It should be noted, though, that often times the perpetrator justifies his conduct to himself, to his victim, and to others, either explicitly or implicitly, by the fact that the two have had sex before. Amazingly, even if the previous incidents themselves were sexual assaults, somehow in the twisted logic that gives birth to acquaintance rape, that "makes it okay" somehow.

Second, this threat of violence -- again, whether explicit or implicit -- against people the victim cares about or against the victim herself just reinforces the fact that he is forcing her repeatedly to do something against her will. It is rape, pure and simple.

Third, the fact that he excuses himself by blaming the victim facilitates his criminal conduct in his own mind, and confuses her enough that she doesn't put an end to it, but rather allows it to continue. Furthermore, blaming the victim for being raped is, in my opinion, another kind of rape. It is a mental rape, over and above the physical rape of forcing her to commit a sexual act against her will. It is a violation of her humanity.

If it has already happened before, there is a very real danger that it will happen again. If this guy isn't doing this to the same girl, he might be doing it to someone else. If he doesn't have someone else to do it to, then she is definitely in danger of being victimized again. This guy is thinking with his penis, and his brain only enters in to justify and excuse him and consider how to get away with it.

This is NOT HER FAULT. She may very well have made some bad decisions and put herself into bad situations, but that in no way excuses or justifies the crime that this rapist is committing repeatedly.

In a situation like this, the victim might want to tell her parents. Certainly it is worth considering how the person's parents will react. In many cases though, although the parents may initially react with anger, and may fall into the trap of blaming the victim, eventually they will (hopefully) come around and be supportive of their daughter.

A good place to seek help is the school guidance counselor, who (presumably) is trained enough in these matters to put the victim in touch with appropriate help. Regardless, the school administration needs to know what kind of a problem there is in the school so they can ensure the safety not only of this victim but of other girls as well. Hopefully, the school administration will do its job here, and not just cover this all up to keep the school from looking bad -- such kinds of things have been known to occur.

Local law enforcement may be of help. Aside from law enforcement, there are crisis counselors available -- I link to a couple, and there might be some in the victim's local community, depending on where the victim lives. In some cases, if the victim is in a rural area, it may be a long way to appropriate help. Local clergy may be of help, too -- that just depends.


A parting comment to you guys that are thinking you would do this if you "knew" you could get away with it....

You can't. You might escape justice on this earth, but the Lord will get you sooner or later. The only way out is to turn to your Creator, acknowledge the bad things you have done, and make a sincere effort to change and do better. Anything short of that, and you will, in the hereafter, find yourself in special place, with a special guy, who will teach you all there is to know about rape....

Hell exists for a reason.

Alcohol, Sex and Date Rape

I recently got a story from someone explaining how she went to a friend's house and "got really drunk." While she was drunk she had sex with a guy. She said yes, but, she points out, she was drunk. Now she feels terrible, and is wondering if this is rape.

In many jurisdictions in the United States, the influence of drugs or alcohol is considered when determining whether or not a person "consented" to having sex. The effects of the drugs or alcohol can negate the consent, and the act can be considered a sexual assault or a rape. Another factor that generally negates consent is age; a person who is too young, even though the person eagerly says "yes", is considered to not be able to give consent: hence terms like "age of consent" and "statutory rape".

No matter how much alcohol a person consumes, it does not entitle others to take advantage of that person. People have a right to consume alcohol without being raped; people even have a right to make the mistake of having a "few too many" without being victimized by rapists or robbers or others. Even if the person is under the legal drinking age, and thus violating the law by consuming, that still does not give others the right to violate the law by sexually assaulting that person.

The reality is, however, that there are too many people out there who are completely unscrupulous and will take advantage of any situation.

What this story seems to be, though, is one of those stories where the people under the influence of alcohol did some things that they later regretted and felt bad about. If you look through the websites linked to in the panel to the right dealing with rape and sexual assault, you will discover that one indicator that a sexual assault or "date rape" may have occurred is when one (or both) of the people just feels bad about what happened and the way it happened. If someone has that kind of a feeling afterwards, it may have been a sexual assault. It also may have been just two people who made a bad decision in the heat of the moment. It's a fine line between a crime and bad judgment -- a fine line blurred by drugs and alcohol. That's part of why these kinds of assaults have at times been difficult to prosecute, and that's part of why authorities sometimes don't pursue the case.

Just because you are drunk, that does not give others the right to victimize you. The reality is, however, that consuming alcohol impacts your judgment and your ability to react to the situations around you and makes you an easier target for those who would victimize you. Even if you're with a good crowd of people who are sincerely watching out for you, consuming alcohol can increase the likelihood of something happening that people will later regret.

A "Choice"

Abortion is murder of an innocent person.

Often times, even people who are "pro-life" will permit an exception for abortion in cases of rape or incest.

Consider this, from Pam Stenzel Dot Com: Pam's Biography:

Seven years ago Pam Stenzel grew weary of hearing the phrase, NOBODY TOLD ME!! After years of counseling young girls who found themselves in crisis pregnancies, Pam began to realize that so many were completely unaware of the risks involved with sexual activity, and that many had never been told about all the consequences of their choices. That was the inception of Pam's life as a speaker, but Pam Stenzel's story started years earlier.

In 1964 a fifteen-year-old girl was raped, became pregnant, and decided to carry her unborn child to term. Five months after the baby girl was born, in an act of courage and love the young mother provided her child a better environment by giving her to an adoptive family. That child was Pam Stenzel. She is the oldest of 8 children… 7 adopted…1 biological, and her extended family includes 38 adopted children in all.

From Pam Stenzel Dot Com: About Pam:

What People are saying about Pam Stenzel

"In 27 years of education I have never heard a more clear and direct message to young people. Pam effectively delivered a very important and powerful message to our young people."
Educator

"I got tears in my eyes when you told me and the others who chose to abstain that you thought we had character and you were proud. No one has ever told me that before."
Student

"Pam Stenzel is a dynamic speaker whose message is one that saves young people from a lifetime of tragic consequences. Pam believes in young people’s ability and willingness to make good choices, if given appropriate information, and are really challenged to save sex for marriage."
Dan Ziedler
President
Family Life Council, Inc.

"Pam connects and is a powerful voice on the side of responsibility and morality in a culture war that offers kids all too many voices on the other side. She delivers a shocking message to kids - you are not out of control sex maniacs. Waiting has some nice rewards, and avoids some terrible price tags."
Sean Hannity Radio & TV Host
Fox News, WABC Radio

Although conceived when her mother was raped, Pam Stenzel now tries to solve some of our world's problems by educating young people on the responsibilities and consequences of sexual activity. Had Pam's mother taken her innocent baby and made that baby into a "choice", Pam's contribution to our society would not have been possible.

You don't know how God intends to use a situation or a set of circumstances. You don't know what plans God has for your unborn child.

When you're considering your "choices", consider the life that God has placed inside you, and make a choice that both you and God can be eternally pleased with.