A girl in high school meets a guy. She "really cares" about him. He wants to have sex with her, but she says no because she's not ready. She "tried keepin [her] clothes on" but finally gave in because she didn't think she'd win. After they have sex, she reports that he started treating her really badly. Specifically, he threatens to beat up her ex-boyfriend and tell her parents what happened if she leaves him. So, she stays and whenever they are alone, he always gets his way and has sex with her, even though she doesn't want to.
He blames her, telling her that it is her fault because she drives him crazy by wanting to leave him, and that he needs her. So, after a little arguing, he always gets to have sex with her. Some of her friends tell her it's date rape, some say it isn't because she put herself in a bad situation. Meanwhile, she would leave, except that she's afraid for her ex-boyfriend, and she's worried about his threats to have friends from his gang go after her.
"im still confused to whether or not if i went through date rape or not bc he had done it to me more than once."
Just because he is committing the crime more than once, that certainly doesn't mean it's not a crime. In my humble opinion, this is fairly classic.
First, even if she had done it with him willingly many times -- not the situation here -- the first time he has sex with her against her will after she has said "no" it is a rape. It used to be that a defense against rape in the US was that the two people involved were married. That is no longer the case in America. If a husband forces his wife to have sex against her will, that is illegal. That is why many jurisdictions have gotten away from the crime of "rape" and now address "sexual assault" -- it is more inclusive of a broader range of criminal conduct.
It should be noted, though, that often times the perpetrator justifies his conduct to himself, to his victim, and to others, either explicitly or implicitly, by the fact that the two have had sex before. Amazingly, even if the previous incidents themselves were sexual assaults, somehow in the twisted logic that gives birth to acquaintance rape, that "makes it okay" somehow.
Second, this threat of violence -- again, whether explicit or implicit -- against people the victim cares about or against the victim herself just reinforces the fact that he is forcing her repeatedly to do something against her will. It is rape, pure and simple.
Third, the fact that he excuses himself by blaming the victim facilitates his criminal conduct in his own mind, and confuses her enough that she doesn't put an end to it, but rather allows it to continue. Furthermore, blaming the victim for being raped is, in my opinion, another kind of rape. It is a mental rape, over and above the physical rape of forcing her to commit a sexual act against her will. It is a violation of her humanity.
If it has already happened before, there is a very real danger that it will happen again. If this guy isn't doing this to the same girl, he might be doing it to someone else. If he doesn't have someone else to do it to, then she is definitely in danger of being victimized again. This guy is thinking with his penis, and his brain only enters in to justify and excuse him and consider how to get away with it.
This is NOT HER FAULT. She may very well have made some bad decisions and put herself into bad situations, but that in no way excuses or justifies the crime that this rapist is committing repeatedly.
In a situation like this, the victim might want to tell her parents. Certainly it is worth considering how the person's parents will react. In many cases though, although the parents may initially react with anger, and may fall into the trap of blaming the victim, eventually they will (hopefully) come around and be supportive of their daughter.
A good place to seek help is the school guidance counselor, who (presumably) is trained enough in these matters to put the victim in touch with appropriate help. Regardless, the school administration needs to know what kind of a problem there is in the school so they can ensure the safety not only of this victim but of other girls as well. Hopefully, the school administration will do its job here, and not just cover this all up to keep the school from looking bad -- such kinds of things have been known to occur.
Local law enforcement may be of help. Aside from law enforcement, there are crisis counselors available -- I link to a couple, and there might be some in the victim's local community, depending on where the victim lives. In some cases, if the victim is in a rural area, it may be a long way to appropriate help. Local clergy may be of help, too -- that just depends.
A parting comment to you guys that are thinking you would do this if you "knew" you could get away with it....
You can't. You might escape justice on this earth, but the Lord will get you sooner or later. The only way out is to turn to your Creator, acknowledge the bad things you have done, and make a sincere effort to change and do better. Anything short of that, and you will, in the hereafter, find yourself in special place, with a special guy, who will teach you all there is to know about rape....
Hell exists for a reason.
2 comments:
Your commentary on rape is interesting. I have to say though, 'rape' as a term has a very vivid meanign for many people. The scenario you outline in the opening of your article is a good one but I think that it needs to be defined as something else, like "sexual coercion". The problem is that many perpetrators get away with this kind of crime because the traditional definition of rape is difficult to apply. I agree with what you say about these people needing to be prosecuted but I think in order to do it properly a suitable charge needs to be made to fit the crime.
A very thoughtful and insightful blog!
An important semantical point that you bring up!
I agree that "sexual coercion" is an apt term. I believe the technical legal term would be a form of sexual assault, possibly "acquaintance sexual assault".
Your point is right on the mark about how many people have gotten away with "rape" because that term was so difficult to apply. In the old days, lawyers got the jury lost in details about "inches of penetration", and there was a time when a husband could not be accused of raping his wife in the US, because they were married and that was a defense pretty universally under US law. Now under terms like "sexual assault", a husband can be accused of a crime for coercing his wife.
In a way, a term like "sexual assault" or "homicide", while more legally accurate (especially as the incident is being investigated, and the accused is presumed to be innocent), somehow insulates us from the violence and injustice of a "rape" or a "murder". And, indeed, often times when a premeditated murder is suspected, it turns out to be something that is still a homicide, but not so sinister.
Still, in common parlance, the terms "date rape" and, to a lesser extent, "acquaintance rape", are widely used if not as legally accurate, and I think they often are appropriate conversationally exactly because of how vivid they are, as opposed to the sanitized legal terms.
To me, one problem with applying a vivid term like "rape" under these circumstances is that it may de-sensitize us to other sexual assaults that are far more morally offensive than these.
Your comment about making the charge fit the crime is right on the mark -- that's why there has essentially been a legal revolution going from the crime of "rape" to crimes like "sexual assault" in nearly all US jurisdictions in the last few decades.
An excellent, thought-provoking comment. Thank you very much, and thanks for your good words about the blog!
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